Size of Your Boat
by Trouble Cookie
Summary: When L gets fed up of Misa and Light calling each other in the dead of night, Light makes a comment he's gonna regret. Mild Light bashing and a tiiiiny amount of slash. If you look for it after bashing your head multiple times. Rated T just in case.


**_This oneshot is to make up for my absence. I'll give you a better reason later. Deal?  
Mild Light bashing, hints of LxLight (Only if you hit your head of a wall multiple times and squint, or you look carefully at the lyrics)  
Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or Size of Your Boat (Jeffree Star ft Muffy)  
Enjoooooy!  
_**  
It was a normal day in the office of the Task Force. L was typing away and eating cake, dropping crumbs into his lap, while Light sighed at the bright computer screen, shaking his head at the messy-haired detective's antics. It was nearing eight o'clock, and most of the task force were gone, minus Matsuda and Watari (Who is ever present). Clicking around on his desktop, Matsuda was growing increasingly bored but couldn't leave. Seeing as he had to stay at Task Force for the night due to the loss of his house key.

He had been sure he had had it in his trouser pocket, but as he walked home in the chilly night and reached his door, he had reached for it…And found nothing. Panicking, he called around and found that he couldn't have a new key cut until tomorrow or the next day. He either needed to find his key in the Task Force or get his half-sister who lived with him to bring the house key from Europe where she was vacationing. She would be back not tomorrow but the next day, and all shops were closed for the night. So he couldn't do anything, which meant he had to stay in Task Force until he had a new key.

Matsuda sat at his desk before standing suddenly, causing the computer chair to roll backwards and collide with something. He didn't turn to see what. All he knew was that he needed to do something more interesting than scanning the same pieces of evidence for the 15th time. Without a word, he wandered out of the door. He would explore the whole place. Maybe he could find a bathroom. He wandered down empty hallways for a good few minutes before finding a decent sized toilet room that wasn't being used as an extra closet for files. He figured it would be a bad idea to take a piss around hundreds of paper files in white files. That could only end badly. So as he pushed open the dark door, he had little hope for its vacancy. He had probably never been so relieved to see a toilet in his life as the door swung back and bashed on the wall behind.

L blinked and stared at the doorway, considering his options. Drawing in a deep breath, L appeared to be about to do something interesting, so Light turned to watch. But all he saw was the wide eyed raven turn back to his computer, exhaling, letting his eyes drooping again. The auburn haired younger grumbled under his breath and returned his attention back to the computer also, if not begrudgingly. It was a few minutes later that Matsuda returned, looking relieved, albeit tired. Light didn't spare him a glance, but L, always the curious type, peered over his shoulder back at the younger man. 83% that he just went to the toilet…. He muttered to himself in his thoughts, quickly forgetting about the man in the background.

Peace was settling back around the room, the only noises being rushed typing, series of mouse clicking and the sound of L eating cake. The peace was actually lulling Matsuda to sleep and his head was drifting down to lie on his arms, which were crossed on his arms. L and Light continued working, but they were both used to working late into the night. Of course, Light found it more stressful than the panda detective, but Matsuda was completely unused to this much work at a time. Would he be allowed to go to sleep? It was after hours, anyway…

Out of no-where, the ringing of a phone could be heard. Jolted awake, the sleepy detective sat bolt upright and shook himself. He couldn't fall asleep when the other two were still here. That would just be embarrassing…And it's not like Light wouldn't be tempted to stick something to his sleeping face. He knew himself that he was a bit dense and aggravating, and the auburn haired man was annoyed by him to no end. Slowly, the dark haired man turned to see Light fumbling in his pocket, looking at the older detective apologetically as he and the panda man saw the contact who was calling at this ungodly hour. Without another minute's hesitation, the hazel eyed student-turned-detective-and-murder-suspect answered the call and brought the phone to his ear.

"Hello? Yeah. Hi, Misa." L rolled his eyes, turning back to his work and shoving another spoonful of cake into his mouth.

It was a loooooooooong conversation and Matsuda found himself falling back to sleep to the buzz of computers and the babble of Light's voice behind him. As the phone was hung up, a relieved sigh reverberated around the room. The detective, who sat apart from the others, was surprised to see that it was L who had sighed. He guessed he was more open when the whole task force weren't here to see it. And Matsu wasn't stupid enough to tell. So he let it drop straight away and turned to watch the conversation which was just beginning to take place between the detective and the suspect.

"Light-kun, I will break your phone if Misa-Misa will not stop calling this late. How many times have I told you?"

"Well, Ryuzaki, I kind of have to call or talk to her when she calls as she _is_ my girlfriend."

"She's just a girl, Light-kun. We have more important things to be doing."  
"Well of course you wouldn't understand, Ryuzaki." Light paused to scoff at the incredulous look on Matsuda's face and the quirked eyebrows of the detective before him. "You haven't had a girlfriend."

At this comment, the detective's dark obsidian eyes narrowed and he bit down on his thumb with a bit too much vigour, drawing blood.  
"I don't recall ever telling you such a thing, Light-kun. What brought you to that conclusion, may I ask?" His monotone voice was almost dangerously soft, but apparently the other boy hadn't noticed this. Probably too wrapped up in his victory. It actually looked like L was getting annoyed! He doubted anything had made his heart rise like this, before. He was managing to draw emotion from the stoic detective he spent every single day. It wasn't like he hadn't tried.

"Well, isn't it obvious? You're hardly boyfriend material. Scruffy hair, big eyes, deathly pale, crumpled clothes. Also, you're far too analytic and stoic. It just wouldn't work out with anyone. Unlike me. I'm basically a magnet for girls." Light's smirk had grown huge by the time he had finished speaking, and L was looking at him dangerously.

It actually looked like L was going to pounce on Light and beat him to a bloody pulp, but the raven restrained himself and regained his composure. Almost. Scoffing in a perfect imitation of the younger's earlier scoff, he turned back to his computer. It was safe to say Matsuda was disappointed by the fact there would be no big fight. That might have entertained and awakened him a bit. It was about a minute later, when peace was almost resumed, that the sound of music belted out a speaker that had apparently went unnoticed. Matsuda was still shocked at Light for being so disrespectful but the look L was shooting him made him play along. He sighed and recalled the song, going over it a few times in his head as the intro played.

"_If the size of your boat, hits the tonsils in her throat,  
Just enough so that she chokes,  
Bet you think that she'll be soaked,  
Sew her panties in a knot, hope that's not a stuffer sock,  
You need motion in that ocean just to make that bootie pop_."

Light appeared to be in shock, and turned to L, but it was too late. The detective had set off on his own verse and Light was doomed. At least, for the next few minutes.

"_I got a little secret for the guys"  
"For the guys"_ Matsuda piped in.  
"_That want to know if it's the motion or the size,"  
"Or the size"  
"But if you're the one I pick to be the captain of my ship,  
Let you in my ocean baby, would you drive_?" He saluted Light with a small, tiny smirk at the auburn haired teen's shocked expression  
_"Would you drive?"  
"You know these guys are quick to claim they gigantic_," He looked pointedly at Light, then down to the crotch of the other's trousers  
_"But size don't mean a thing, just think about the Titanic,  
Maybe I can fake it, make you think you're doin' damage,  
Umm, yawn, you just don't understand it_." L appeared to sigh here, before beginning his next lines.

"_They say it ain't the size of your boat but the motion in ya ocean__  
__Boy now row, ah ah, now row __  
__They say it ain't the size of your boat but the motion in ya ocean__  
__Boy now row, ah, ah, now row__  
__You told me we were goin' on a cruise.."  
"On a cruise?"__  
"__So how the hell did we end up on this canoe?__  
__They say it ain't the size of your boat but the motion in ya ocean__  
__Boy now row.. now row_"

Light was beetroot red by this point, and was desperately looking around the room for help. Finding none, he knitted his eyebrows together and shivered. What the other detective was implying right now shouldn't be turning him on. But it kind of was… Ah well, it looked like the pale panda man was getting ready to start his singing again.

"_I got another secret for the guys  
"For the guys"__  
"__Who's quick to brag and always talk about their size"  
"About their size"__  
"__But if my bedroom had a sign like a roller coaster ride__  
__Would you be too short to even come inside?  
"Come inside?"__  
"__Cuz you know that these guys are quick to tell you that they're packin'__  
__The truth is I can't see it with some magnifying glasses__  
__Maybe with some tweezers we can get into some action__  
__And boy you got me laughin'"_

By the end of that verse, Matsuda was snorting with laughter and Light was growing annoyed. All of this had sprouted from a single, simple comment. Surely L wasn't _this_ childish. It did seem a bit far…Though the detective was always known for going to extremes. It was probably how he go things done. Shaking his head, he raised an eyebrow, prompting the sweet-loving man to continue.

"_They say it ain't the size of your boat but the motion in ya ocean__  
__Boy now row, ah ah, now row__  
__They say it ain't the size of your boat but the motion in ya ocean__  
__Boy now row, ah ah, now row__  
__You told me we were goin' on a cruise,"  
"On a cruise?"__  
__So how the hell did we end up on this canoe?__  
__They say it ain't the size of your boat but the motion in ya ocean__  
__Boy now row, ah ah, now row"_

The way that L's face was coated in a devilish aura was reaaaaally not helping with Light's developing erection. He shifted his chair forward to cover the crotch of his trousers under the table. He would barely be able to live this down anyway, never mind what would happen if L knew he had an erection.

Half to his disappointment and half to his relief, Matsuda took a breath and got ready to sing the last of the song. Already, the air of accomplishment was oozing off the two men to fill the room. If he had had any doubt before, he knew for sure now that he would _NEVER _ live this down. And in a way it was one of those moments you wanted to remember.

"_Wally Wally Power Boat__  
__Smooth and sleek, I stay a float__  
__Ladies ! Lets take a vote, only ride that which is dope__  
__Could be big or could be small...__  
__I know a chick who takes it all, if you take her to the mall__  
__Pump that monkey Frank like Paul__  
__I'll sink your battle ship__  
__I've seen tanks much bigger than yours can get__  
__Your sails up, ready to fish__  
__Life guards on duty, are you ready to jump in?" _

"_They say it ain't the size of your boat but the motion in ya ocean__  
__Boy now row, ah ah, now row__  
__They say it ain't the size of your boat but the motion in ya ocean__  
__Boy now row, ah ah, now row__  
__You told me we were goin' on a cruise.."  
"On a cruise?"__  
"__So how the hell did we end up on this canoe?__  
__They say it ain't the size of your boat but the motion in ya ocean__  
__Boy now row, ah ah, now row"_

As if nothing had happened, the room fell silent. Matsuda turned back to his computer and L did the same after calling for Watari to get cake for him. As the cake was placed down on the desk by the detective, the old man was grinning widely from under his bushy moustache. As soon as he was sure the raven haired man wouldn't need anything for the next little while and returned to the camera room and put the CCTV footage on to a tape. Pocketing it, he knew he would _never_ let Light live this down. Not until he died.

_-2 weeks later_-

L sighed and sat down in the camera room, bored out of his mind. Light, being chained to him, was dragged into the room as well and stood behind the chair with a grumble. The detective had been unbearably smug the past two weeks after his display, and the evil looks send his way reminded the younger that he wasn't allowed to forget.

The insomniac detective opened up a drawer and fished around, searching for the key to the drawer below. It didn't seem like much of a creative place to keep it, but even Watari and L got lazy. He frowned as his hand bumped something that he couldn't recall being their last time he had visited and pulled it out. In between is index finger and thumb hung a tape, and he raised his eyebrow. All the footage tapes were kept in the drawer he was looking for the key for. Why would there be one in here? Watari couldn't be losing his touch, could he? Curiosity forced him to push the tape into the player, and Light watched in horror as the raven haired man below him watched over the whole scene from two weeks ago again.

'Well, at least he didn't spot that I have an ere-' Light began to thought, but it was caught short by L pausing the tape and pointing to something on the younger's trousers.

"I didn't know that sort of stuff gave you an erection, Light-kun."

**_Hope you enjoyed!  
__Okay, so I haven't been updating my story Dream Child for ages as I have severe writers block. Take pity? Please? D: Well, at least don't hurt me.  
__Please excuse any grammar and spelling mistakes. I wrote this in about an hour, so it isn't very good, and I didn't have time to check it over. Day-um.  
__Reviews=A hug from a character of choice. xD.  
__Flames=I have something to set my friends on fire with.  
__Okay, buhbyes! Hopefully updating DC soon.  
__~ . x_**


End file.
